Foreward
Bruce Peltier, PhD.
Until recently, textbooks on developmental psychology ran out of gas after describing how humans made the big break from their family of origin and their adolescent roots. The “baby boomer” generation, with all of its self-absorption and applied energy has put an end to that problem. Now, developmental psychology includes something called “Adult Development,” and it attends to the continuing growth of people on, into, and through a stage previously referred to as “middle age.” The only thing that we used to know about that period was that men were inclined to start jogging and buy a red Corvette to demonstrate that they were not yet “over the hill.” Women didn’t need to indulge in such foolishness, as they were happily engaged with their children, grandchildren, and a little gardening.
We now know that these stereotypes are ridiculous. There is a powerful richness of experience lurking in those middle years, accompanied by considerable wisdom of experience. Middle-agers have been around the block, but unlike their ancestors, many have disposable income, good health, and a restless kind of energy. They are unlike some of their ancestors in another important way: Many are single. Fewer have remained in marriages that were imperfect. Their parents stayed in those marriages, as it was more difficult and less acceptable to divorce. But the boomers watched their parents suffer and decided that a marital prison was not for them, so they delayed marriage and got out of dysfunctional ones.
Social and developmental changes are rarely smooth or painless, though, and the freedoms of the last half of the twentieth century have not come without pain and difficulty. This book addresses one of the associated problems: How do you find a good, romantic relationship when you are older than fifty years of age? Is it just as hard or easy as it was when you were in high school? Does it happen in the same way? Are the rules basically the same - or have they changed?
Grigsby and Collins have done their homework in two ways. First, they report from the trenches of middle-aged dating and the male-female relationship wars. They’ve been there, and they have paid their dues. They share veterans’ stories that are well worth a listen. Second, they have asked others, using an informal series of 400 surveys and follow-up interviews, which provide a wealth of instructive examples. Some are cautionary tales; some magical stories of relationship wonder.
Their central idea is thought-provoking: When you began interacting with people from that other gender, when you began dating, you had no idea about what was going on. You were clueless, hoping against hope for luck and a successful marriage. You had no real idea who you were, what you liked, what your bad habits would turn out to be. You certainly had few accurate ideas about the other gender. Your head was full of fantasy nonsense gleaned from popular culture. You were brainwashed by stories like Cinderella and movies like Gone with the Wind, My Fair Lady, and Casablanca, and songs by the Temptations (My Girl), Connie Francis (Where the Boys Are),and the Beachboys (California Girls). Your view of sex-roles was sculpted by your wrestling coach or the nuns at your school. You were in for a rough ride, indeed!
But, you did your duty. You gave it your best shot. You raised your kids, you got them through high school or college, and maybe you paid for their wedding and even the down-payment on a house. If your marriage worked out really well, if you and your spouse are closer and more deeply in love than you ever were, this book is not for you. Close it and feel lucky. Keep doing whatever it is that you do so well.
If, however, you are one of the many others who sooner or later threw in the towel on your marriage, or if you were unlucky enough to suffer the death of a spouse, or if you never got married, you may find this book to be useful, indeed.
Grigsby and Collins maintain that you are in a terrific position, because now you know much more about who you are and what you want. You don’t need to operate in the dark, like you did in your twenties. You don’t need to look for love in all the wrong places or ways.
The authors’ second essential point is this: The boat is leaving the dock, maybe for the
last time. As they say, “you can’t wait
around for tomorrow—it is tomorrow!”
Along with the wisdom of age, you no longer have the luxury of time on
your side. You must act. You must take risk if you hope to enhance
your relationship life. You can’t sit at
home and mope, you can’t go to the same old places wearing the same old
clothes, and you can’t do the same thing you have been doing and expect
magically different results. Plus, as
the book notes, there are 35 million singles in the
This book is useful because it outlines a strategy, something the authors refer to as a “game plan,” based upon the basics of backgammon. There’s a Beginning Game, a Middle Game, and an End Game, which they describe in detail with real-life examples. They even provide specific scripts in some cases, the exact words you can use to get what you want. They offer advice about food, dress, dating customs, sexual etiquette, and a primer on how to effectively use technology to your dating advantage. For example, they recommend that you “Google” someone before you commit much time to them. This advice has two specific benefits. First, you might find out that your Prince or Princess is a loser, or worse, a dangerous person. And second, you might get a few wonderful conversation starters. (“You wrote a piece that was published in Atlantic Monthly, didn’t you?”)
This book does something else that it may not have started out to do: it explains aspects of the male personality that academic psychology seems to have missed. The honest writing provides unvarnished insight into how men often think about women, romance, dressing up, and first dates. Any woman who is interested in the over-fifty male should examine this material.
Men should pay attention, too. There are spots in the book where straight advice is given to recalcitrant men. “Listen,” the book tells them. “You can’t go out looking like a slob and expect women to take an interest in you.” (Unless you are Henry Kissinger, maybe.) And stop bragging. Women don’t want to hear it, they won’t be impressed, and they won’t put up with it like they did in their twenties. One piece of advice is especially priceless for middle-aged men: When it comes to all this complaining about how your body is breaking down, how stiff you feel, how you can’t play sports like you used to...put a sock in it! Women don’t want to hear a long discourse on your bout with prostate cancer!
Grigsby and Collins assert that in order to succeed in the middle-aged relationship world you must take risk. In order to take risk, though, you must have self-confidence. If you don’t have adequate self-confidence at the age of fifty, it might be a good idea to get some help. Help is available in many forms: in self-help books, in groups, and especially in therapy. Now that you are grown-up, you have some money, and there is no reason to be afraid or too-proud to seek help. Good therapy, done by an empathic and competent counselor is one of life’s real treasures. Shop around until you find a therapist you are comfortable with. Then get to work. It’s not too late to make important positive changes that can lead to twenty more years of happiness. Few investments yield something that valuable.
This is an “insiders” book, written explicitly for
heterosexuals over the age of 50 who are interested in developing relationship
and dating savvy. There is a sense of
intimacy in the writing, and those who have reached the wonderful status of
middle age will especially appreciate it.
Read it and put it into action.
Bruce Peltier, PhD, MBA is a Clinical Psychologist and author of The
Psychology of Executive Coaching published in 2001 by
Brunner-Routledge.