Dating In the Senior World

By Mason Grigsby, Co-Author, “Love At Second Sight - Playing the Midlife Dating Game.”

Finding yourself single in midlife can be one of life’s greatest challenges. Why is it so difficult in midlife to find the “right” person? We all have in our “mind’s eye” a picture of that person, but how to find and connect with that person becomes a totally new and different issue.

Today all the rules have changed. If you are over 50, your youthful experience is comparatively a Paleolithic time period relative to today’s 21^st century. If you thought or think you know about dating in the over 50 world, think again - dating at the mid-point of your life means a whole new approach and requires a totally new mindset.

THERE IS GOOD NEWS IN THE SENIOR WORLD OF DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS

• You have experience, you understand your likes and dislikes and you are not living in the clueless world of your youth.
• Bad qualities in the opposite sex can be readily ascertained – excessive drinkers, control types, abusive or argumentative personalities, and extreme jealousy can be quickly eliminated before you spend a lot of time with the person.

• In the survey of 400 single men and women over the age of 50 done for our book “Love At Second Sight-Playing the Midlife Dating Game,” men and women actually agreed when asked the question, “What do you most value in life today?” The answers - family, friends, health, financial security and fun.

HOWEVER, THE WORLD IS NOT THE SAME

• You may need to take more risks than you have in the past – you need to get over your fear of rejection (most people have this trait), be more aggressive in meeting people, and be upbeat and positive when approaching and dealing with the opposite sex (low self-esteem is not allowed, and just say “hello” when you encounter someone new – you would be amazed how this leads to conversation).

A key to this new mindset is to recognize that everyone has a degree of shyness – men and women. The most successful men, those that you would think have great confidence, in reality have almost no clue about how to approach or talk to women.

KNOW WHAT THE OPPOSITE SEX WANTS

In addition to agreements, however, the survey gave us

differences. When asked the question, “What qualities do you most look for now that you are older?” The answers were – in order of importance.

Men:

1. Common Interests (men are maturing, they want to talk to someone)
2. Attractiveness (unfortunately men aren’t going to change this behavior- but attractiveness is very subjective, so don’t think you don’t qualify)
3. Intelligent (even more maturity – this was number five in younger days!)
4. Romantic & sexual (this dropped from number one in our survey of what men looked for when they were younger – so men are “slowing down,” which is either good or bad depending on your views on this subject)
5. Fun, and into a lot of activities

Women:

1. Romantic and sexual (this was number four in the survey of qualities women looked for in their youth). Hmmm?
2. Intelligent (women have always held this quality in high esteem)
3. Financially secure (this changed from “financial potential” in younger days – the facts are in!)
4. Sense of humor
5. Spiritual

Clearly, the differences have not disappeared – nor will they, and you need to be aware of this fact – “Mars and Venus” don’t go away in your senior years.

SENIORS WANT RELATIONSHIPS

Another good news result of the survey:

• When asked: “How important is it to have a great relationship, ”87% of men and 85% of women said they wanted to be in a committed relationship. This means that the overwhelming percentage of the people you meet really do want to find a relationship.

And, the all-important question, “How to you meet people in our age group?”

• The survey gave a lot of consensus answers: overwhelming was “Joining special interest groups,” meaning book clubs, bridge clubs, going to classes, etc.
• The next most significant answer was, “Going to singles events” – although hard for many people, the emergence of groups of over 50 singles has made the fear of being the “oldest person” at the party obsolete. Many men and women reported that they found a lot of compatible friends – both men and women and most importantly, recognized that “everyone else felt the same unease that they did when first attending such an event.” One national organization, Who’s Who International” www.wwi-national.org (not the Who’s Who of well know people), a singles group for those over 50, has monthly and quarterly social gatherings in the major cities in the U.S and even sponsors a series of travel events throughout the year.

AVOID EGREGIOUS ERRORS

Finally, certain conversations need to be avoided. Comments that make you appear needy, such as, “I really want to be married again”; “I don’t drink anymore, I’m an alcoholic”; “I constantly cheated on my first wife/husband (this will really get the attention of your new date)”. Or, last but not least, a detailed discussion of how successful you are or were in business (mostly a male trait that turns almost every woman off) or a detailed discussion on each of your children (mostly a female trait). Please, forget discussion of issues regarding your health – both sexes do this and it accomplishes nothing! There will be an appropriate time for such discussions if the relationship develops. These “fatal errors” and others like them (which are easily correctable) will most likely mean that there will be no second encounter.

BE PROACTIVE AND UPBEAT

The boat is leaving the dock, - you can’t wait around for tomorrow—it is tomorrow! You must act. You can’t sit at home and mope, you can’t go to the same old places wearing the same old clothes, and you can’t do the same thing you have been doing and expect magically different results.”