Midlife And Single – Are You Ready?

By Mason Grigsby, Co-Author, “Love At Second Sight - Playing the Midlife Dating Game.”

Finding yourself single and at the midlife crossroads can be one of life’s greatest challenges. According to the United States Census, there are over 42 million people in our country who are over 40 and single. For those in this world, dating represents a totally different experience than the scenarios of youth. The media and those giving relationship advice have largely ignored this large population of single people. A “paradigm shift” has quietly taken place, and a midlife single population has arisen. If you are a part of this large and growing block of adults you have many questions about the new opportunities and process of finding new relationships.

If you are in midlife and new to dating, you will find your earlier experience as a Paleolithic/Neanderthal time period relative to the 21^st century. If you thought or think you know about today’s rules, think again - dating at the mid-point of your life means a whole new approach and requires a totally new mindset.

The Past May Not Have Been the Right Prologue

In the beginning, most women looked for a prospective partner who would be a good provider and father. They realized that their social status and life in general would be tied to their husband’s income and job position. Since most women now in midlife were not trained for a career, there was little chance or expectation that they would bring in extra income or further their social standing higher than their husband’s place in life.

Most men, on the other hand, looked for a woman who would be a loving wife, a good mother, loyal to him, and more often than not, subservient rather than equal. Wives were expected to follow their husband on any job move or new career and be the force that ran the home, made his life easier, and cared for and nurtured their children. The past rules were clear, understood and widely accepted by all.
It’s a Different World

Today all the rules have changed. In the beginning, both men and women were totally clueless when it came to understanding their own “wants” and “dislikes” when it came to the opposite sex. While women may have started out as “housewives,” many developed a successful career along the way. Certainly they do not see themselves in a partnership where they are in any way submissive. In the new dating scene, some women now have, or have had, a higher salary or income than the men they meet. Some men do not respond well to this new reality.
Experience Counts - Use It Properly To Avoid Another “Fatal Error”

Now you have a past. You have experience. You know what attitudes and habits you really like and strongly dislike about the opposite sex. Women know if the man is successful - “potential” is no longer a concern. He has either been successful or not. You don’t need to worry about what your children will be like or what kind of father he will be.

Men no longer have to worry about whether or not the woman will be a good mother - the childbearing years are over. You know if she is independent and highly active or a stay at home “housewife” type. The evidence is in! And you now have a framework to handle the three problems that breakup many early marriages – sex, finances, and lack of communication.

Most importantly, each person knows his or her “type” - the person you really want. And if you are not totally clear, now is the time to figure it out. There was no history when we first started dating and seeking a mate – “clueless” was the order of the day. Now you have a tremendous advantage if you intelligently put to use all that you have learned. This will enable you to avoid future errors and a repetition of past mistakes. A person’s past provides a new “information highway” to your next great and hopefully final relationship – you just need to know how to interpret the data. It’s a new dating millennium, and it is not what you remember.
Learn the New Rules

Conversations that make you appear needy, such as, “I really want to be married again”; or statements that are dramatic - “I don’t drink anymore, I’m an alcoholic and just finished the twelve step program”; “my wife/husband was an idiot”; “I had a lot of affairs when I was married” (this will really get the attention of your new date) must be avoided at all cost. A detailed discussion of how successful you are or were in business (mostly a male trait that turns almost every woman off) or a long narrative about each of your children (mostly a female trait) is not in your best interest. There will be an appropriate time for such discussions if the relationship develops. High maintenance (not financial) traits by women such as, “I don’t drink house wine” or being argumentative on a first date (you may have been told be to be “assertive” by a psychologist) are generally well accepted. These “amateur errors” and others like them (which are easily correctable) will most likely mean that there will be no second encounter.
You Can’t Have a Relationship If No One Knows You Exist

There are a lot of single people milling around out there, and the vast majority of them aren’t happy being alone either. The survey of 400 single men and women in our book, “Love At Second Sight – Playing the Midlife Dating Game,” revealed that 87% of men and 85% of women would welcome a relationship. But to meet this special person, he or she has to know that you exist – that means being proactive and smart about being discovered. For better or worse, time is of the essence, and you need to be more aggressive in meeting new people than you may have been in the past. And women need to recognize that even the most successful men are very shy about approaching them. Business success and social skills frequently do not go hand in hand.

The moral of the story– the boat is leaving the dock and you need to be on it – waiting until later does not increase your odds. Use your experience to your advantage, be aggressive in meeting new people and most importantly, define in your own mind what you want and don’t want in the opposite sex. Asking very detailed questions on a first date, for example, is now okay – it will save both of you time and energy if you find a “deal killer” trait in the other person. “Love at second sight” can be a wonderful experience, but you need a strategy and then you need to implement it – the results are worth the effort.

Author Biography

Mason Grigsby, is the co-author of the book “Love At Second Sight – Playing the Midlife Dating Game,” New Horizon Press 2004. He has been a computer software company president, a corporate strategy consultant, a sometimes tournament backgammon player and a senior’s tournament tennis participant.

John Gray, PhD. And author of the Mars and Venus series of relationship books, endorsed “Love At Second Sight” with the comment; “This is a realistic book for today’s mid-life person aspiring to be in a relationship.”

Mason’s email is: midlifegame2@yahoo.com. Tel: 415-775-4282